Song

Two and half years ago, I started writing my first song..it is titled "早晨的阳光" It is a song of that I wrote in Phuket Thailand. A song which I liked tremendously. A song which I wrote for someone who I loved once. Silly me.

2 months later, I wrote another song called "小熊的祝福" followed by another song "星星的约会" a month later. These are my earlier songs. Subsequently I keep writing songs regularly to pen down my thoughts and emotions. I feel that only songs could help me remember the feelings that go along when I meet an event in life. Since I pen more than 20 songs, I think, some unfinished.

I keep thinking about how life should be. I am still. I believe by being single, it drives the mind to think, to seek explanation and fulfilment. It makes you observe and trying to explain life. I believe I understood a lot now. But I also realised that having love is the true and joyful fulfilment in life. Knowledge wearies the soul but love lifts the soul. The absence of love is the absence of real joy. Someone said to me that "You are one in this world, but when you love, she is the world to you." Lonliness and love, what a world apart.

That is why I stopped writing song a 3 months back. I tried writing one after something really heartbreaking happened. I got the tune but the words remain elusive. Therefore I stopped, resolved perhaps not to write again. Coz the pain was too real, too painful for me to desire memory anymore.

I have stopped playing the songs I wrote in time past. Especially the first song, memory is too painful.

Recently I believe I come across someone special. But the past have gripped me so badly that I really don't dare to do anything more or say anything more. Past fear gives present fear. I lost courage. I have abidding fear. Today I finally wrote a song after a sleepless night thinking through about the past and the present. Perhaps I fear I will fail again.

I thought of posting this song up but stopped short of doing that. I don't dare to say a word. I fear it is not mutual. I fear it is just wishful thinking. I rather hide in cowardice because past pain is so real, I don't desire the same feeling again. It is a terrible pain.

But at least, I realise because I have opened my heart to this person, I know I have in a way detached myself from the past. I wished well for this friend. But will I ever say a word to her. I am not sure. It is unlikely. Perhaps I will keep this song. Forever? It is possible. This song is not about her but more about myself. My inner thoughts. Describing fear, lack of courage and disappointment.

Perhaps I need her to tell me instead. I don't sense there is anything more except friendship. I guess I must learn to be contented for now. Perhaps this song, this new song will remind me to learn to be bold, to be courageous again. Until that day, this song will be with me. And like the morning sun, I post, like the first song I wrote, I prayed that I am able to see every morning, a new hope, and perhaps one morning I will learn courage again and find true love.

The picture was taken from the top of Mt Kinabalu. I conquered this mountain almost a year ago Hopefully I will conquer my fear one day. The sun sure beckons hope. I prayed then that God is great and good that day. I know He will lead me to find that courage and hope in Him. May I find true love in this life as well!